Weird/Strange.

I used to think it was strange when I would sit next to someone in class in high school, and then the next day they'd be dead because of a car accident.

I used to think it was weird that I've known two boys who seemed very happy with life, who ended up killing themselves.

Then I knew true heartbreak when Nancy passed away. I lost my future mother-in-law, my second-mother, and Joey's best friend.

Now I realize that the strangest/weirdest thing of them all is literally watching someone die....someone you respect very much....someone who is your grandfather and the love of your grandmother's life and who has done nothing but support you and your family your entire lives...someone who didn't deserve to get cancer.

And this is one thing that I have no control over.

"On sleepless roads the sleepless go/May angels lead you in."

Well...

FML.

That sums everything up right now.

The gods are cruel, cruel, cruel.

Oh, my jealousy.

Hi Vallery and Andrea! I know you are two of the only souls left who probably read this....

I've come to the realization that I have issues with getting close to people for one simple reason: I am an extremely jealous person. I have been my entire life. I have very low self-esteem. I do not think (no, I pretty much know) that I am skilled at anything, so I look around at all these people who have so many talents and it makes me hate them. They're not bad people, they just have everything I don't have and that I want so passionately I can feel it in my bones. I cannot sing. I cannot play an instrument. I used to think I could act, just a little bit. I am athletically retarded. I cannot do Math and I do not understand Science. My grades are dreadful most of the time. I cannot dance. I cannot draw. I now realize that I definitely cannot write worth a damn. I have tried just about everything imaginable and failed at everything. The only thing, literally the only good thing I have ever done in my entire twenty-three years of existance, is James.

I have jealousy for everyone around me, every member of my family, Joey and his family, my best friends, my "friends," my frenemies. It makes me loathe my enemies even more. The more people I allow into my life through social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace, the more I see what they have been doing with their lives and the jealousy burns me up inside. It makes it difficult to even breathe sometimes. I get messages from my sister constantly about the awesome stuff she is doing. Everyone seems to be jumping right into marriage and are so blissfully happy. What do you do when you're standing in place and everything around you is falling apart?

If I was good at something, anything, besides producing my fantastic son, I could be happy with myself. But I'm not. I'm just jealous; I'm probably jealous of whoever is reading this right now. And I hate you a little bit for that, too. 

Love.

Joey broke down and bought Beatles Rock Band. And somehow, for that hour or so, it made me honestly happy. I guess that can be true about their music. It doesn't take much, like getting 100% on "Ticket to Ride," to make me filled with glee and delight. Those are two words I don't type too often, especially the word happy. But, yes, that silly little game literally made my day.

I received a new book in the mail from my favorite author. And, yeah, it totally owns "Twilight," I don't care what any of those fanatics say. Namely the ones who don't like me for juvenile reasons. So, that made my day again.

Joey and James playing baseball (or attempting to) also can make me happy for a little bit. But then I get depressed because I really want a little girl to do things with, like shopping and other girlie things. I want my best friend.

I thought of at least three things that made me happy for a while, but then I wake up the next day and realize what's going on around me and it all comes crashing down again. "She's not a girl who misses much." That is the COMPLETE opposite of me.

Bitch.

I bet I got your attention with that word, right? I started thinking about this word because I have been told (by people I like and people I don't care about) that I can be "bitchy." More than often, I get the classic, "You're a bitch." I'm just wondering what the qualifications are...am I a bitch because of my bluntness and how I'm going to tell you how I feel, whether you approve of it or not and I'm not holding back? If a woman happens to be strong-willed and headstrong and secure in her opinions, and she chooses to voice them whenever she pleases, does that constitute as bitchy? I think my view of the stereotypical Bitch and what other people perceive it as are so dramatically different.

Where would you refer someone to said Bitch? I would suggest watching a movie like "Heathers" or "Mean Girls," because those girls were created to be bitches. You can watch practically any reality television show; they will have designated "Bitches." Even on a show that I find myself ridiculously drawn to, like "America's Next Top Model," has one straight-up Bitch every single season. And what makes them so bitchy? They tend to believe that they are perfect. They are constantly bringing other girls down with gossip and slander. They have no regards for other girl's feelings. They are malicious and full of themselves. They proclaim themselves to be "The Bitch" and flaunt it with everything they have. That's how I view it at least....so explain to me again, how am I a bitch?

Girls are so quick to pull out the snap judgment: "God, she is SUCH.A.BITCH." If it's not this description, they fall back on the typical "whore" or "slut." And then when those don't go through, it's "dyke" or "lesbian." Sometimes it's the c-word, which I won't type out because I hate it so much. You can't find a girl who, if asked, won't call out one of her so-called friends as a bitch and list some senseless reason. They're getting younger and younger too, at that. I've been taught in my Sociology classes that girls are bred to be competitive with one another and that they tear each other down because A. they are insanely jealous of something the other girl possesses and/or B. they have low self-esteem themselves. That is why, if challenged, a girl will spit out, "Bitch" without even thinking. It's almost lost its meaning after a while. I'll admit I'm guilty of this; if a woman cuts me off in traffic, I will call her this world without a second thought. I have said that about some girls who used to be close to me. I can admit that I've been wrong about it--and I hope some of those who refer to me as "bitch/bitchy/whore/slut/c-word" can admit that as well someday.

So really, what makes a bitch? Should I really believe this or just pass it off (as Kasheena so lovingly put it): "That Thing Girls Do." And when was the last time you called a girl a bitch and why? Just stop and think about it.