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| Possibly one of the worst years ever.
We lost Nancy (Joey's mother) in March. She was one of the greatest women I've ever met, closer to me than my own mother, and a rock to all the Conley family.
After walking at my college graduation, Morehead State informs me they screwed up and I was missing credit hours, so I had to go back to school for another semester and spend even less time with James.
Now my Papaw Jim has passed away, just a few days shy of Thanksgiving. I don't want to like in a world where he doesn't exist; he was a stubborn old man, but he loved us the only way he knew how.
I will continually say, "Next year will be better." But there's no guarantee and maybe no chance. | | |
| How much do I fucking hate you? Let me count the ways.... This would take all year; leave it at that. I.Fucking.Hate.You.You.Stupid.Fat.Bitch. | | |
| I used to think it was strange when I would sit next to someone in class in high school, and then the next day they'd be dead because of a car accident. I used to think it was weird that I've known two boys who seemed very happy with life, who ended up killing themselves. Then I knew true heartbreak when Nancy passed away. I lost my future mother-in-law, my second-mother, and Joey's best friend. Now I realize that the strangest/weirdest thing of them all is literally watching someone die....someone you respect very much....someone who is your grandfather and the love of your grandmother's life and who has done nothing but support you and your family your entire lives...someone who didn't deserve to get cancer. And this is one thing that I have no control over. "On sleepless roads the sleepless go/May angels lead you in." | | |
| FML. That sums everything up right now. The gods are cruel, cruel, cruel. | | |
| Hi Vallery and Andrea! I know you are two of the only souls left who probably read this.... I've come to the realization that I have issues with getting close to people for one simple reason: I am an extremely jealous person. I have been my entire life. I have very low self-esteem. I do not think (no, I pretty much know) that I am skilled at anything, so I look around at all these people who have so many talents and it makes me hate them. They're not bad people, they just have everything I don't have and that I want so passionately I can feel it in my bones. I cannot sing. I cannot play an instrument. I used to think I could act, just a little bit. I am athletically retarded. I cannot do Math and I do not understand Science. My grades are dreadful most of the time. I cannot dance. I cannot draw. I now realize that I definitely cannot write worth a damn. I have tried just about everything imaginable and failed at everything. The only thing, literally the only good thing I have ever done in my entire twenty-three years of existance, is James. I have jealousy for everyone around me, every member of my family, Joey and his family, my best friends, my "friends," my frenemies. It makes me loathe my enemies even more. The more people I allow into my life through social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace, the more I see what they have been doing with their lives and the jealousy burns me up inside. It makes it difficult to even breathe sometimes. I get messages from my sister constantly about the awesome stuff she is doing. Everyone seems to be jumping right into marriage and are so blissfully happy. What do you do when you're standing in place and everything around you is falling apart? If I was good at something, anything, besides producing my fantastic son, I could be happy with myself. But I'm not. I'm just jealous; I'm probably jealous of whoever is reading this right now. And I hate you a little bit for that, too. | | |
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